Seasons Changing
We met in the fall when the leaves were crunchy and there was a breeze in the air. Winter came along and you offered me your warmth, your comfort. And that was strange to me. It was strange to me that you bothered to care, that you were interested. When spring blossomed so did we. We were like flowers petals dancing in the air. We would go wherever life took us and we would make the best of it, one way or another. And then summer came. All the things that could possibly go wrong vanished. We were happy, we were free. Your love was warmer than the sun itself and I didn’t even mind the heat. For once I thought things could be okay. But as summer came to an end, so did we. As the days got shorter so did our conversations. As the wind got colder as night so did your attitude and your feelings. Finally it’s fall again. The leaves fall to the ground just as my tears. The warmth and comfort you had offered me was gone. Winter again. The cold I was used to was harder to bear now. Spring blossomed and I joined the tomb filled with the dead forgotten flowers.
Upside Down Rainbow
My mind is filled with constant hues of grey and blue. My heart nothing but red and black. I long for the feeling of yellow again. I long for feelings.
Your ghost
I drove down to the shore and sat up on the rocks and listened as the waves crashed against them. Above me a blank dark canvas of sky. No stars, no moon. I’m left in my favorite place, my happy place, my safe place, without the thing I love seeing most. That’s what it felt like when you left. You didn’t even bother to take any of the memories with you.
Your favorite place
Sand between my toes, the cold brush of the salty water against my legs and nothing but the night sky above my head. I could stare up at the stars forever, I didn’t mind the neck pain. Glancing at each and every star it was like I was searching for something written on them. Like I would find myself within one. Like one of them would tell me what to be. Who to be. But as the wind blew against my skin I snapped out of that daze and stared off into the empty sea, behind me an empty beach, and within me an empty shell. No heart, no soul. Not even the stars could help me now.
Her.
She was like a crystal-clear ocean wave in the middle of a sunset. Soft yet big enough to make an impact. And behind her the sky was filled with hues of light yellows and oranges that would soon turn to purples and pinks. She was your favorite soothing song. She was your favorite pastel color. She was peace. She was love. She was beauty. She was everything, but mine.
Amour
Falling in love. A feeling made up in the movies. A leap of faith. A risk. A feeling I never cared for. But with you it was like entering a house and finally realizing I was home. When you smiled at me I felt invisible hands wrapping around me making me feel safe. When your eyes locked onto mine, it was like I could see galaxies instead of just pupils. You made me feel like everything was possible in this world, like I could conquer anything. And sometimes I don't regret meeting you. You might’ve been my first and yet what I really wished for in life was for you to have also been my last.
The last time I saw the real you
We hiked up the steep hill at the edge of town. You held my hand as I slithered my way through the tall grass to avoid its sting on my bare legs. When we got to the top we sat on a broken tree branch. It was peaceful. The sun was setting and we were surrounded by nothing but nature. The lake below us was quiet. There were no birds. No wind. It was like we were the only two people on earth. And in that moment, I remember looking at you and making you my home. A place I had longed for. A feeling I so desperately sought for. In that moment I admired you. I loved you in the purest of forms. But as the sun began set and the moon began to take its place, you looked at me with cold eyes like you wished I was another. That look pierced my soul and I knew then and there you would break my heart. I knew the love I had wasn't being reciprocated. No matter how many times you would say otherwise, try to change my mind, convince me, I knew what we had was one sided. If you loved me in even the slightest bit you would’ve noticed me. You would have went out of your way for me. You would have done more, done more things without regret, without question. And I knew all this because you did them for someone else. And all I ever wanted was to be what they are for you and what you are for them. But now the sun is gone, the moon has faded. I tucked my hair behind my ears and looked at you one last time, to cherish that one last good memory, and then we left. Our bodies left but our soul stayed. And every night I pray that in an alternate universe we're still at that hill, we're still together and we're still in love.
Extremist
I was a thrill seeker. Climbing high objects, sitting on edges, looking off to the horizon. Except one time I was standing on the edge of a building walking heel to toe with my arms spread open for balance. I looked down instead of up for once. The view was so beautiful I wanted to jump and be a part of the art.
Instax
Dusty polaroid’s sit on my desk day and night. I never muster up the courage to move them. I like to revisit those memories, those places. It’s not always because I miss you, but because I miss me.
It's a feeling
The easiest thing to write about is Home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Home is more than just a place, it’s a feeling, it can even be a person. And as much as it makes me feel guilty that I don’t even feel at home in my home it’s the truth. As many times as I have made a home in someone and they have failed me, I still continue to try and prove myself wrong. Try and prove to myself that you don’t have to be your own home. Someone out there can mean so much to you and can be your home and they won’t fail you. If even family, the people you’re meant to trust the moment you’re born can even fail you, what makes me believe others won’t?
The Brown House
As you look out the window you don’t know what to feel. You see the cars passing up and down the road and you remember when you wished you were in one of them, driving far away from this place and never looking back. You hear the planes above you flying away, you used to wish you could hop on a plane with nothing but the clothes on your back and go make something of yourself. But now you see these things and you feel nothing. You still want to leave, you still want to go out and find yourself, but now that dream sounds more and more like nothing but a dream.
Sundays
Days like today are the type where you want to run outside. You want to be a part of the gloomy clouds and feel the drips of water fall graciously down your body. You want your salty tears to mix in with the pure rain. You want to feel again. You want to want again.
Honeysuckle Breeze
I have always loved the flowers and the birds, loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by. I have always loved the way the leaves move in a breeze and that soft whispering sound they make, like nature loves to chatter too. Yet the tiredness that begun a while ago remains like a veil over my skin, grey and cold. And as I watch the petals and the twigs that sway outside the window, there is only a creeping sorrow where there should be joy. It sits like November rain on my skin, enough to chill what was once warm inside. At any other time I would have called a friend, asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off, just a little is enough. No longer. Now I just let it come, drop by drop and I feel like it is an ocean falling upon me instead of rain. That the grief of years I carefully suspended has all condensed right above my head into a cloud large enough to block the sun. They say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen. Thing is, I just don't care. I will still be true to myself, still help others, but I plan to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb.
Who am I
I am nothing but another someone who’s missing someone they can’t have, someone they shouldn’t have. I am nothing but another someone who sits and waits for the song we had to play, dancing along to it slowly like we used to, hum to it like we used. I am nothing but another someone who’s haunted by your ghost, constantly. Your spirit lingers by my side whispering sweet nothings to me. One moment it’s the most beautiful things in the world that remind me of when you were here and make me wish you would come back. Make me wish I had the will to seek you. But then other days you torment me with tour words. Taunt me with all the reasons why you left, why I wasn’t enough, why I’ll never be enough. You make me want to hate you. But in the end, who I am to judge someone else’s happiness? Even if it means that happiness can never be me. I am nothing but another someone in love with someone they shouldn’t be. I am nothing but another someone. I am nothing.
